Minsicule existance

The world doesn't revolve around you. .
And the sooner you get to terms with this reality and

begin to accept it as a fact of life, the better. Get over the
feeling that you are being judged , or reverend every

passing moment. Do away with the thoughts that you are

being watched or being consciously ignored all the time.

Continue running

Some times I feel like shutting my self off from the world.
I find the world too crowded, and find too many people
existing without a purpose or a role to play in the world.
I see things happening and I hear words being said but
don't see why...
I hear people say things and then act radically opposite
to it, I see people do things and endorse views in stark
contrast of their actions.I see people filling their lives up
with luxuries before they have full filed the necessities.
There is a race on , no body knows to where but every one
is running.. because every one else is running too.

We are all fighting, fighting our luck , fighting our urges and
desires, fighting with friends, fighting with the love in our
hears and with the love that could not be in others hearts,
fighting with plentiful and with scarcity, fighting things that
happen the way we want and fighting things that don't. We
are fighting opportunities lost, and chances missed. we are
fighting the remorse of impulsive steps gone wrong and the
timidness that stops us from trying to fix things.

So what if you haven't done some things that every one around
you has. Maybe they all did it , not because they wanted to , but
because they were driven by what they saw around them.

I wasn't running at first, but now I am. I don't remember
how it started and how long it would last, but the race is on
for sure. I don't want to fight the things happening in my life.
I don't want to work for things , proclaimed to be "essentials".
I want to pursue the " me". I wanna exist for a propose and
work for a goal. every one wants that and is doing the same.
Its just that i want the purpose and the goal to be my own.
I slow down, but feet are in too much momentum.I clinch my fist,
ready to stop in my track.I prepare my self for the jolt, and brace
my self for getting trampled by those running behind me.
I gather all my strength and ... continue running .

Words

I value people's words, because I value mine.I wont usually
say things that I don't really mean or follow by. But alas, not
every one is like that. People shoot from the lips, and are more
often then not wayward with their aims. Casual speakers, thats
what i call them. Trust me , there are way too many of them to
ever go around without bumping into one of them.
"I'll do it no matter what it takes", " I am never going back to it" ,
" I am sure ", " I am done with it for good" , " I really mean it ".
I hear these words and I cant help but say .. "bah !!!, humbug"

So how do you handle the casual speakers.. .. What do you do if
you don't want to volunteer to support their hobby of saying things.
They, though don't attach to much value to what they say, are
extremely found of speaking. Listen to them closely, and soon
enough you would hear then say two contrastingly opposite things.
On such moments, breath deep, relax and pretend that you heard.
You can only learn to deal with them by experiences, typically foul ones..

let go

Chewing gum wrappers,
metro tokens,
movie tickets,
bits of hand written paper,
a thread from a dress,
a strand of hair,
a stained coffee holder
a pen,
pictures in my laptop,
some acquired habits,
smart dial numbers,
current email password,
carefully preserved letter pad,
a stolen coin,
boarding pass,
the dam handkerchief,
cuttings from the newspaper,
a blue shirt ,
and a hulk green t shirt,
an excel sheet.
a scar on my neck.
I shed a tear as I let it all go,
for now, and for ever.

Life is good

He sat still, almost life less. He was teary eyed and his
mind was devoid of any thoughts.He could feel his heart
burn, and his vision was blurry.So drained out was he,
that his attempts to move, or get up were going in vain.
clearly he hadn't taken very nicely to whatever transpired
in the last 48 hours.It was a marathon, that he was running.
And right now,he wasn't aware weather he had finished it,
let alone finishing first, or just dropped out of it.

He had no contact with the world these past hours,it was
just him and his struggles.He could feel himself falling into a
sleep,off which he might not wake up.His blood had curdled
so thick, that his heart wasn't able to pump any of it through
to his brains.And thus the absence of conscious thoughts.

He tried to get up , but his back gave way and he collapsed
on his cushy leather sofa once again.He stretched and rolled
over on the sofa and dozed off, only to wake up the next morning.
Being a Monday , it was time to go to the office.Fresh after about
13 hours of sleep, he marveled at the days he spent over the weekend.

Two days of eating pizza and other leftover,sleeping and
watching 11 movies and endless episodes of moronic Simpson's.
No outings,no annoying visits from friends and no phone calls.

Okie, so all this staring at the screen left him teary eyed,all that
pizza gave him an acidic heartburn,and drinking too little water
left his blood thick.Spending too much , almost all the time lying
down, left his back unfamiliar with the feeling of supporting his
body's weight.

But didn't he clean up all nice and fine on the Monday morning,
"bring on another week" he said to himself.
Life was well and truly good .

Thats also a way

"Why the hell are you doing this to me. . " a voice shouted inside his head as he felt a vein
on the his left temple swell. " Wipe that look of achievement off your face, you are saying two totally incoherent things that make no sense together".

Realistically he just wanted to express his concerns our the way this conversation was going,
he had felt pushed against the wall ever so often in the past few days,not by his inability or ineptness, but by sheer lack of depth of understanding and an absence of well directed thoughts,
displayed by the other person.
Y know what , I might have been totally wrong in my preconceptions about you, while its all nice
speaking about things that you do speak about , you really have know idea which way things are going."
"I really don't think you can ever get out of the habit of being struck in trivialities , or
grow up enough to owe up what you don't know"
Clearly he had out lived his patience, and more then being irked , be was bored by airy headed,
highly patterned and repetitive behavior. Whether the behavior was triggered by any emotional distress or was a personality trait he was now starting to observe , he didn't know.
" No way , this isn't gonna work the way you see it!!!, you only need some one who agrees to it, and that too at your convenience" he felt his vein is going to burst, leaving him hemorrhaged.

He looked up and said "Okie", five minutes later he had forgotten he ever had such a conversation and was getting along normally.

Far less worse

Superior mortal or lesser God, thats the choice I have to make .
and I am weighting my options closely.

A Tale of two Rajs !!!

Raj and Raj were two different people, born in same times,with
different upbringing, different personalities, different experiences in life and
a different outlook towards important things.They were also similar in more
ways then one. Both of them could best be described as "dreamer ants" who
dream of things pleasant and beautiful, without ever loosing there
hardworking streak.They were both great romantics at heart, well at least in
the beginning.Witt, charm and persona aplenty, they were interesting normal
people without the need for or presence of any extraordinary qualities.
their flamboyance was in their being themselves, and that they did with
effortless aplomb. One Came from a small town, with a eased out pace of life,
that almost cared for you as it took you along. The other was from a big city,

which made you sweat every day, just trying to get through the day.

Small town Raj was a doer, a free spirited person.The impish streak in him
was unmistakably prominent, and oozed from him grin. He fell in love in his early days
and like all first loves, his too did not work out all that well.It shook him , and his
romantic fire was covered with ash of despair and angst. Gradually he turned into a
emotion less person,a bit of a hedonistic sadist. And a good one at that.

Big city Raj was a thinker, a procrastinator, who valued his word more then any thing.
The child in him was prominently strong and shone through his smile. He dreamt of finding
eternal love, but somehow was always struck in meaningless relationships.This gradually
hollowed his ability to trust and left him emotionally fragile

My Bucket List

On a lazy, and i mean really really lazy Sunday afternoon , I realized my T-shirt
was far too dirty to wipe my food smeared hands on , and decided to do a quick
wash up . Rugged haired, and sleepy eyed, wearing curry smeared T shirt and
an year and a half old shorts, I found my self too irresistible to not to indulge in
a bit of self vanity in the mirror. But horror off horror, I spotted a Grey hair, and
that to not on my head.And before some of you start running your thoughts in any
wrong directions , let me add that the Grey hair was in my beard, just to the right
side of my upper lip.
I would not have been too bothered on spotting a half baked hair on my head,
for that i can easily pass on as a sign of some one whose job involves a lot of thinking
and brain racking work.I do not in any way however endorse the fact that I.T professionals
are intellectual people.
But a Grey in my beard was clearly a sign of life leading down hill from here on.So the roll
of toilet paper is more then half used up. That calls for some rethinking, re-planning and re-estimation.. yeah you cant leave these out even in your day to day life.
What with so so many things left to do in life and with the growing speed at which we have started living our lives, there is so very little time left ahead.
The sudden realization that i have reached , or at least neared the summit and it will be all down hill from "hair" pressed me to come up with my own Bucket list.
A bucket list at the fag end of the life may include , from a large set, only a few thing that you want to do before you reach your expiry date. But at my age, a bucket list would include not only the must haves but the good to haves and the may of may not haves.
And again , more time to do things means , more time to procrastinate and keep pushing things for later, a dream come true... isn't it.
So here goes in no particular order. .

• Do a stage performance,and not end up sucking at it .
• Get over my fear of ridding bikes(Yeah ,right , i don't ride bikes.. so what .. )
• Date at least one girl each from each of the continents(give and take Antarctica).
• Survive a major accident( since an Accident is written in my palm lines, I'd rather hope to survive it ) .
• Gamble big money(winning isn't important,so this would probably be the last one i try to fulfill).
• Learn to swim.
• Write a book , inspired by my own life.
  
• Visit Manali .(give it up, there are no girls or money involved here, I just wanna go).
  
• Top 150kmph on a highway(Just making sure the task of surviving an accident doesn't have to wait for too long).
  
• End up with a feeling that my raise is too high after an appraisal round.
• Save enough in a month's salary to think of investments ( its either this one or the 5 continents one, not both for sure).
• Bitch slap some one ( any one , really any one) .
  
• Be hit upon, by a hottie in a club.
• And then turning her down( not because I swing the other way , for a proof see see the rest of the list) .
  
• Be the authority on some issue (even if its about what brand of toilet paper to buy).
• Grow a beard for some time ( and maybe dye it up ;) )
• Dude it up ( I don't know what it means, it just sounds cool).
• Be on TV ( would like that to be for the launch of my book, or wining on that big gamble , and definitely not because of the accident).
  
• Ask a manager technology to debug my code ( and see him fail .. he he ).
• Be involved in a brawl ( fist fight to be exact) and come out on top .
• Work up some serious muscles ( helps survive mishaps, beat up people, look good on TV, pick up girls .. this is a must haves).
• Have a protege.
• Give drinking and smoking a shot( just in case the accident doesn't kill me , or the 5 continents thing doesn't work out).
• Vote (don't you need a voters Id for that.. I am not closed on it being in India for sure).
  
• Laugh ( at people,look out for the list of names in my book ).
• (censored, for your safety).
• Get a barbwire tattoo on my arm. ( or whatever is in vogue 20 years hence).
  
• (censored, for my safety).
• Be stalked by a lady.
  
• Go back to school to study literature ( or to make interesting chapters for the book).
• Attend my school/college reunions ( juts that).
• Euro Trip ( must haves .. hmmmmm).
• Wear Versace ( and not look gay).
• Have great hair once again.
• and continuing......

How I plan to do all this amid the usual hustle bustle, is another story.

King !!!

He really felt like the king,Walking on the star studded path,
with the wind blowing into his face.He had 180 Dollars in his pocket and
a smile on his face. He smarted at his reflection in one of the building glasses,
passer by`s nodded at him with a warm acknowledgment as there shoulders
rubbed while passing each other.
Oh the life was good, the spring in the steps was obvious and walking through
the crowd seemed effortless, even with a load on his back.
With a satisfying day of work behind him , and a promising weekend ahead,
he was all but stressed.There was something about this breeze today,it made
him feel rested and energized. Nothing seemed wrong in the world today, nor
in his life.The day in the city was coming to an end. It was bustling with energy
without being in a rush.The natural flow of things and the thousands of footsteps
was captivating.
Clearly, any other day , walking such a long distance would have been
discomforting, but not today. A quick glance at his watch told him it was only 6
and he had another hour before he needs to be where he is heading. And he isn't
too far from that place. He could feel that energy churning inside him, he took
a detour, so he could walk more. He stooped under a bridge to admire the
impending sunset, which was a few hours away ,yet so there.
He watched kids playing in water, we watched a group of young girls starting of
there week end revelries with ice cream.He watched a street side man counting
up the change he had got through the day, and he watched a young couple kiss
good byes out side the station.
He just couldn't wait any longer and headed for the coffee shop he was to go to ,
he reached there when it was only 6.20 and he was to meet some where there
no sooner then 7.As he pushed through the door, the cold air conditioned air woke
him up of his warm trance.He let go of the door in a jerk and as the door slammed shut,
a pair of blue eyes turned towards him.
She was already there, and by the two empty coffee cups lying in front of her ,
looked like she was there for quite a while.So he wasn't the only one having a
heart warming day today.
He moved over and sat besides her, making so effort at concealing his smile while
trying hard not to get immersed in hers.
As he was about to take the chair opposite to hers on the table, she took his hand
and guided him to the chair next to her and they started talking.
That evening the sun never went down for either of them.

Where is the need for love

They sat facing each other, thinking what to talk about. He never thought he would be meeting some one for the first time,in such a situation. His romance with CCD and barista went back to his college days. He was a sucker for cafes and loved hanging around in them.

He looked at her tall slender glass of ice tea; he liked her already, for she wasn’t like all other girls bickering at the straw endlessly, she had kept the straw aside and was addressing the concoction through the glass itself. She was dressed in a peach colored Indian suite, but she wasn’t clinging on to a handkerchief the way it’s usually expected from suite clad girls. She had left her hair open, but not a strand of hair was out of place, or needed being tucked at its place every five minutes. Quite in contrast to his usual behavior, he arrived early today; took his table and decided to wait. She did not make him wait to long, the place was quite busy, and so he didn’t mind either.

“Just in case you are wondering why I am dressed in a traditional attire today , its not because I want to appear as a MTM, its just that I love wearing such clothes and my work doesn’t allow me the chance on week days”, she said. He was stunned at the way this thought cropped up out of the blue and even more by the calmness with which she spoke.

“Not that I am complaining, you are doing justice to the dress” he said. “There you go again, don’t make it go the way a date should, you are here to meet her as a prospective life partner, it’s a matrimonial meeting”, he reminded himself. Amid his thoughts he did manage to steel a glance at her, just to see if she was blushing at his remarks, she wasn’t and he liked her even more for that.

“The silence is getting a bit too long, I must say something…. .. "How is every one doing at home? What’s your favorite color? Who do you think will win the ongoing tri-series? What is your work schedule like? Any thing!!!”, his mind went dizzy thinking about what to say. “Do you want some thing to eat?” he blurted out, and before he knew it, he was waving to call the waitress.

“Anushka I’ll have a slice of cheese Cake”, he saw a hint of childlike smile on her lips , without even asking, he ordered another slice of cheese cake for her too. The order arrived and in no time they were both at it. About 450 calories each and 30 minutes of conversation around their jobs and social lives later, she suggested that they head out.

“Head out and do what, go home??” he was disappointed, and his face showed it. He was starting to have a good time talking to her, “No, how about some place where we can talk?” she asked and the answer was unnecessary, as she led him away.

As he walked dazed by her sassy exuberant personality, he found himself talking and found her laughing, as the walked.He noticed how she walked with an earthly confidence, and how her voice changed to different octaves, as she got more or less excited during the conversation.

He quite liked the fact that she talked to him, looking straight at him, without showing signs of discomfort or looking away. They were heading to the terrace of the mall they were in. The initial newness had worn off and they were contributing to the conversation equally.

He remembered this place; he had been here ever so often in the last 2 years. Some times with company and sometimes all by himself. This place had some of his favorite restaurants and he used to drop in all by himself to treat himself to a good meal. People found him wired to be going out by himself. But he told her that any ways.

She wanted to sit close to the edge of the terrace, it was dusty and slightly sunny, any other girl would have run miles away from such a place if she could.Her Cell phone buzzed, it was her friend. “ Yes I will tell you in detail about him when I come back , he is right next to me and I don’t want to say mean things about him within his earshot” she looked at him and they both laughed.

He liked that fact that she didn’t excuse herself out every time she got a call.

This was dangerous, he thought, Specially after the initial conversation they have had on meeting.

He has no intentions of marrying in the near future and he had forthrightly expressed his thoughts right in the beginning. Having told her that he felt a little uncomfortable, until she told him that she came here predetermined to say no anyways. So the blame was not on him. It was mutual. He expected her to not stay for long, and he would have had the time to himself, In fact he planned to come to the very same place once she left. But now he was here with her. He glanced at his watch and suggested that they get going, since there would be no acceptable reason as to why a one hour meeting got extended to four.She stiffened up all of a sudden and a after a coldish god bye they were both on there way.

Nearly home, he got a sms from her thanking him for showing her a good time.He had a good time too, She was so much like him. He wished he had met her under different circumstances.

But for now, a different challenge awaited him. That of his parent waiting to hear the details; it’s been 4 hours where the meeting was planned for 1. He got home and shut himself up in his room, just to speed break his family’s barrage of questions.

By dinner time the focus had shifted and the questions though still insistent were easy to handle. He expressed his honest opinion about her and it quickly got interpreted into a “yes” by his family. “ Oh son of God, what have I done, well at least I know she is going to turn it down, so I will not have to face my families probing, in fact after being turned down by her, the family would be all the more sympathetic to me” he grinned.

But the destiny had it planned differently; They got engaged to be married in a year’s time.

“So why did you say yes?” He asked him while returning from a dinner a few months later...

“I don’t know myself, is it because you liked visiting cafés, is it because you like cheese cakes just like me, it is for the way you like me in traditional attire, it is because you address attendants by there name, is it because you like spending time by yourself, just like I do, is it because you make me feel as good as I feel when I am by myself,Is it because you looked straight at me when talking, is it because of the fact that you stayed and were comfortable even after expressing your reluctance to marry,is it because I loved the disappointment on your face when I suggested that we should get going, I think I said yes because I liked you, and I thought if it isn’t meant to be, let the “ no “ come from him.“

“hey, I asked you something” his words broke her thoughts

“Well … because you are just like me” She replied.

Disclaimer: This is purely a work of fiction,Any resemblance to any person living of dead is purely coincidental.

preserve myself

It was the third time that he fidgeted with his tie, looking himself 

up in the mirror, followed by wiping his sweaty hands over his 

handkerchief. It was uncharacteristic of him. He, off all people has 

always been least bothered about the way he looked. He checked 

his watch , it was already 3:00 p.m. He checked his spectacles, 

and then the tie and the handkerchief. He tried to put his hair in 

place by patting them.

Clearly he wasn't all at ease. Last time he had taken this suite out 

was when he attended a wedding, but that was long long back. 

He remembered the occasion for which he had brought this suite.

His eyes flinched. The fold lines were still faintly visible on his blazer.

He moved out to leave, he wasn't too far away from the place

but he decided to take a cab any ways.He ignored his friends 

suggestion of taking along some flowers.He hated the pompousness. 

The ride was about 5 minutes. He stepped out right in the view of 

the place where they were to meet. The tie, the handkerchief, the 

patting of the hair. He saw her standing there, her back turned 

towards him , but he knew it was her. He walked towards her, 

glad that she was looking the other way. but just as he reached 

close to her, she turned around and spotted him. Was he close

enough to her to speak, or should he move closer, another two

steps as they still looked eye to eye. His voice was failing him

and he knew no matter how much he had prepared himself,

his eyes were giving him away. He swallowed, and tried speaking,

but failed once again. he felt his hand reaching for his tie. Just then

she stepped forward and embraced him in a warm affectionate hug.

He choked on his emotions for a moment, and the very next moment

he felt relived. 

People looked at them , as they stood there hugging

each other.People looked at the young beautiful girl, dressed in 

vibrant and finest of designer dresses, and the man, grey haired, pale

and frail. He had a faint smile on his face as she rested her head on 

his shoulder.  "I am sorry Dad" she said, And he was now crying.

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I ate my biscuits all by myself, and I had four of them,
She offered me her cookie while she had just one.
And I felt so very guilty that very moment.

power of resolve

resolve is the only virtue

Besides

They sat next to each other, brothers, friends soul mates. The
sat hearing each second tick on the wall clock. Disappointment
had no place, in there hearts,but nor did resolve. Both of them ,
though quite, were thinking of the day they started something
to live there dream. They had both kicked cushy jobs,and a
potentially great future ahead to take this plunge. The memories
of that day were vivid in their minds. It was a new day in every
sense. The looked ahead with hope and a promise.
They were so sure of the step they were taking. They choose
a life of doing what they both loved, over a life of plentiful.
They chose a life of striving their way, rather then sailing the way
of the world. They jumped at the idea of doing things wrong on
there own , rather then doing things right the time trodden way.
Any not many were impressed by there decision, not many
precedences were present of what they were setting out to do .

Yet they never felt like underdogs. There attempts were not
inhibited by norms, nor were they expected to live up to the standards.
There was no standard that they were to be measured against. They
could set there own bench marks. There weren't any things that they
had to do, or certain ways they had to follow. While the flight plan was
uncharted, they were free, so be good or bad, to be successful or failure,
there own god damn way.

But as they went closer and closer to the sole aim that they started
to achieve, The harder it became for them to carry on. With rising
success, came adulation and expectations, Idolization and aspiration.
They were looked upon as inspiration, and they now had to live up to it .
They were expected to deliver the standards they had them selves set.
They were expected to keep trudging the not so easy off beat path they
had taken. They were to do things that they did with innovation, over
and over and all over again.Stifled, they felt the burden of there own
advancement and rise, weigh them down.And soon the power was out of
there hands, and it rested with the people who judged them.

It felt no different then the jobs they kicked, and ironically It came with a
lot more since it was solely up to them to make it work. Stifled, they decided
to close the door, move on,or should i say move back.
As they steps out of their office for the last time, they sighed with disappointment
of not being able to make it work, that this was over.
They shook hands and went there ways at the next intersection,
and sighed with relief, that what started as an excitement, and turned to
an ordeal , was finally over.

Why!!!

Why are we doing the things that we are doing?
Why are we running the race that we are running?
Why are we after the things that we are after?
Why are we waiting for the things we are waiting for?
Why are we trying to hold on to things that we are trying to hold on to?
Why are we leaving behind things that we are leaving behind?
Why are we addicted to things that we are addicted to ?
Why are we proud of things that we are proud of?
Why are we ashamed of things that we are ashamed of?
Why are we hiding things we are hiding?
Why are we flaunting things that we are flaunting?
Why in this world are we getting inspired by things we are getting inspired by?
Why are we existing in this world?
why are we what we are?

Is it the inner subconscious , the real desire, the want for it ..
or is it just an adherence to the norms, just a complacent attitude
which does not allow us to turn down what ever life is throwing at us.

I will tell you why

Why are we doing the things that we are doing?
Just because we can.

Why are we running the race that we are running?
Because so is every one else.

Why are we after the things that we are after?
Because its good to own or posses.

Why are we waiting for the things we are waiting for?
Because we are too weak to live without hope .

Why are we trying to hold on to things that we are trying to hold on to?
Because deep inside us, we are still scared.

Why are we leaving behind things that we are leaving behind?
Because we are too ashamed or embarrassed to carry them on.

Why are we addicted to things that we are addicted to ?
Because we are weak .

Why are we proud of things that we are proud of?
Because we are weaker then we think .

Why are we ashamed of things that we are ashamed of?
Because we know we have been wrong.

Why are we hiding things we are hiding?
Because we are incapable or handling the reaction.

Why are we flaunting things that we are flaunting?
Because we need reassurance about ourselves.

Why in this world are we getting inspired by things we are getting inspired by?
Because that's all we know,having not seen the real side of things
and only being stuck in the worldliness of things

Why are we existing in this world?
Because we don't have a choice.

Why are we what we are?
Because.....

well.. are we really what we are???

Clean the closet.

He had finally had enough.It really was high time that he got a firm grip
on his life and turned it around 180 degrees. It was so easy to think of
doing some thing radical with your life, but so utterly tough to go ahead
and execute it. But that part came later. First he had to figure out what
exactly is it that he needs to do. The general feeling of goodness was
missing in his life.
He sat on the floor, with his back resting against the side of his bed, and
facing the glass wall.He liked sitting in that cramped place,having a clear
view of things gave him a comforting feeling, of being secure yet unobstructed.
Some times he sat there just to let go of every thought in is mind and breath.
Today he sat there thinking, what is it that he can do .
Of late he had started to feel the need for cleaning his life, but he had no clue
where to start, or what to start with.He needed to get a lot of things out of his system,
needed to tell a lot of people a lot of
things that were as yet unsaid,but he still needed to be sure if that was a good idea.
Should he go ahead and tell his Friends that he thinks they are just lechers? Should
he confess to the girl he was going out with , that he was merely looking for a fling that
grew out of proportions.Should he tell his parents that his own plans for his life don't
quite match their expectations? And what about telling a few people he works with ,
that they have a fake sense of achievement over nothing.He wanted to tell a few people
how much he appreciates what they do, despite what all and sundry says of them.
He wanted to complement a few people for being able to keep there lives so utterly
simple, while to others he wanted to show how complicated they have made their
lives over nothing. He wanted to let some one know that she clings too strong and
too long to unnecessary emotional baggage.
He wanted to tell some of them that when they crack senseless jokes on others and
laugh, they are the ones who are looking silly.According to him , some of them needed
to know that by saying that they are different and cant change , they are only trying to
delude themselves of the reality of there ordinariness.He really believed that one of
his close friends needed to see that her life was neither out of the ordinary nor blessed.
He wanted to owe up a few mistakes he made, and point out a lot many others made.
He really wanted to ask some of them whats so great about being able to hold large
quantities of beer in there bellies and talking rubbish,Or whats so gravely wrong or
scary about the reality of there lives that they are trying to forget with liquor whether
its week days or weekends.
He had questions and he had questions. All of them were sure to either wake people
up or have them thinking. But surely none of this would go down well with any one.
And then he had a question for himself.What would he get by addressing all these
people in the manner tat he wanted to , asking those questions or telling things as
they are.
He didn't know the reactions his thoughts would induce, or the answers his questions
would get.The would be on the sharp and acerbic side for sure, maybe that was the acid he needed to un-rust his life.
But he knew for sure that It would let him build his behavior on the solid grounds of his own
conviction and without false pretense.Being indifferent is as bad as accepting oppression.
As the confusion started to clear up, he felt open and spread out in that closed cramped space.
This was going to be an interesting month to say the least. He was in it without his armor,
since that's what he was trying to get rid of with this battle.
he braced himself up and reached out for the phone.

now more then ever

I am ready to give it all up.I am ready to give up a fast
moving career, that could get me places.I am ready to
give up traveling, and seeing places far and wide.I am
ready to give up a chance to meet new interesting people,
who could have probably have had a life changing effect
on me.I am ready to give up living in a furnished apartment,
n the heart of the city. I am ready to give up staying by
my self,and cherishing the inner tranquility.I am ready to give
up staying away from the worries of the world.I am ready to
give up my unending search.I am ready to give up the freedom
to do things the way I want. I am ready to give up the thrill of
newness.I am ready to give up the excitement of unpredictability.
I am ready to give up all that is me. Just for a few moments of
making love to you.

Through it all

All day it looked like it would start to rain any moment, but it didn't,
He has been out all day, hoping for it to rain, for he was burning inside.
It didn't rain.He stopped at the pedestrian walk way as he spotted a coffee shop.
His steps moved towards the coffee shop, as his hand went to his pocket to get
out some change.
That's when his fingers touched a folded paper kept in his pocket and he started to
burn inside all over again. he stopped, stared and then moved away.
The roads were filled with people, Friday night revelers they all.And he walked.
He walked past the play school,He walked past the theater. He walked past the
church, the lake and the hospital.. . he walked till he was in the heart of the city.
He heard people talking about how rainy it seems, he saw young couples holding
hands walking.He saw the flower shop,and the baker, and the jeweler's display
window. He once wanted to come to all these places. He sat on a bench near the
fountain, the one that had a mural of a couple riding on a Chariot.He sat there and
did just that, as people walked by, surprised to see this young man siting out in the
freezing cold without a coat.
He wiped the drop or sweat forming on his forehead, jumped on his feat and with
definitive steps walked to the nearest phone both.He had come to the busiest place
in the city , so that the noises around him would drown the emotions in his voice.
He took out the folded piece of paper and dialed the number written on it.With great
effort he spoke. And with even greater difficulty he heard her her speak...
with soft hands he kept the phone down and walked straight to his home.
Once inside he went straight to bed, and as he buried his face in the pillow,
it started to rain...

High on pain

The sweetest kiss leaves a bleeding chest.........

weak against the weakness !!! part -2

" i cant talk about it, you wont understand"
she said for the millionth time..
and I died an infinite number of deaths inside me that very moment.

weak against the weakness !!!

Each one of us wants to see our partner as perfect, without any weakness or vice,
in perfect sync with our own personalities, and aligned to our thoughts.
Such is the effect of love that it not only helps you overlook any flaws in the person
one loves,but also makes the person not perceive the faults or weaknesses in his
beloved at all. Love smooths out all the jagged edges in the loved one's personality,
well at least for a while.

Love is all accommodating and that's why it is said that to love truly is to love
every thing about your beloved. Physical attributes, mental strength, traits of
personality, tastes, preferences, habits,mannerism, all ceases to exist in parts,
and there emerges a unified image of the person being loved. That is why it is in
all fairness , fine to love her hair, or her smile, or the joy of her eyes or the crackle
in her voice, Its not fair to claim to be in love with her only for all or any of these
reasons. Love her for who she is, and not for what she is . And similarly,
love him for who he is , and not what he is.

All of us want our lovers to understand whatever we say, as well as whatever
we don't say.But love requires you to not expect him to understand, but to
ensure that he does. NO matter how inflammable a torch, there can be no light
without that first spark. NO matter how understanding the guy , he can never
understand every single thing unless there is an effort to make him understand.

Love can at times be blinding too, and that's when it becomes self destructing.
With time things, that we did do, or did not do, when the relationship was new
and fragile, tend to creep in to our behavior, so strongly that they become a
norm in our behaviors towards our loved.While he might now be a part of
your life close enough to be able to hear what you never earlier said, to
understand fears and feelings that you never earlier shared and to ask things
he never earlier did, so closed and rigid are you in you self laid guidelines
for your behaviors towards him,that you neither can comply to him nor lay to
rest his natural inquisitiveness, yet never lose the feeling of all being well
with him.

Almost always, the reason for rift is when one partner fails to see the other's
reason for discomfort.W the reasons could be as simple as some thing you
often say , to as complex as your reluctance to work your way out of your
self acknowledged weakness. I for instance cant see my partner resigned
to the fact that she would need support to do things, or that she is help less
in a particular situation, or that there is no other choice. To have a heart
big enough to love, means to have courage to face "come what may", with
your partner, or all by your self. Here is where the love cuts both ways.
So while he is trying to shock or push or shove or help you out of a self imposed
barrier, and getting frustrated at your reluctance,you are reluctant to
acknowledge the problem and think he is just being ignorant and finicky.


Love brings with itself the comfort and confidence of being your natural self
with your partner, as well as letting him be.But we more often then not take
this too far and start turning a blind eye even where one needs to change.
While its nice to hear that in love every thing about your partner seems perfect,
It would be a cardinal sin, to just go with this though and not try any help your
partner get better. I believe in a idle scenario , a motivation to get better for your
loved one, must come from with in , but there is no harm if one needs to be
driven by her partner. I for instance firmly believe in the cliche that my partner
makes me wanna be a better man.

Love is not all about charm of the person and a ever lasting longing, its also about
dealing with disagreements and repulsions. While to shut off and let the opponent
shout him self hoarse would be a good strategy any where else, this can never
ever work in a relationship. firstly for the fact that there is no opponent here.
Only a part of you thats differing from you.If you can not put across your point
to some one who essentially is an extension of your own self, you are essentially
unable to talk to your own inner self.

While its very easy keeping happy in love, its very difficult keeping the love in you happy
and healthy.

The Rain that never came!!!

Parched, burned, by the sun and the heat within, we were, in our own respective lives.

There seems to be water every where, but we don't have the heart to drink. we are both
feeling the conspicuous absence of each other in our life's, and thus the affinity to thirst.
As I said, there is water all around us, but we cant get our selves to drink. Somewhere a
drop of tear rolls down to moisten the parched lips, at other place a drop of sweat.The mere
act of breathing causes a caustic sensation inside the body of one, and gives a choking feeling
to the other.
While the thirst has moved on from the lips to the mind and spread to the body, the desire refuses
to wear off..One tries to freeze her longings with a cold shower, the other tries to scald his away
with a stream of steaming hot water.The souls have shrunk, and are now only tiny seeds in the bodies,
all shriveled up and unreceptive to the emotions of the outside world. The two intertwined lives are
waiting for the rain. that would come and soak them with life.
The rain that made him fall in love with her, would now have to help her redeem her love for him.
Separated, not by space and distance, but by the thoughts, aloof to the others emotions yet longing
for the same, they wait. They wait, for their love to flow into each other again, for there bodies to
be fluid, and there lips to be moist again.
And wait is all they will ever did , for the rain that never came.

What a day !!

Whew, now that's what i call an interesting day.So two guys on a bike tried
to run over me today morning as i stepped out of my home towards my cab boarding point.
Well yeah i know its kinda impossible to run any one over by a two wheeler.. lol.
but that just about best describes the intentions they had.
I would have ignored it as a case of reckless driving by drunk guys( though tough to believe, drunk at 7 a.m !!!)
had there not been a few more incidents a few days ago ..
I must be crazy to put this incident up here, but i guess we all are..
TO think that the dude or duddett or whatever it is , behind all this would come across n read this, is actually pushing my luck too far. But i care a Damn... I have no reason to be scared, cos i have no clue who it could be, or what could have caused such n angst.. I was a sitting duck but got away scratch free.. so clearly the motive was to cause a stirrer n a scare.. yeah I lost my breath for a while, but i ain't perturbed any more..
Try getting a couple of more wheels next time MF- S/D OB

Vagaries of life !!!

Such is life, and thats most I can say .
The unexpected usually surprises and excites, but at times it dampens the spirits too ,
by the virtue of leaving a feeling of lack of appreciation and stability. While there is no doubt that
the uncertainties and unpredictable behavior of people tends to keep the interest going strong,
it if persisting for too long, tends to wear out the patients and starts to tax the need for the mundane in life.

Its some times better to be the source of heart ache then any thing else for others, with time the bitterness would soon dissolve and maybe the indifferent attitude would soon mellow down to a more pleasant acquaintance. This any day would be better then skinning you soul for others and being rewarded with
with a continuous barrage of heart wrenching words or actions. In all fairness , its a self inflicted personal offense, no better then taking abuse hands down , to let it go on.

Cry for yourself, its a mean world out there

As i turned back to go home, the impression of her lips still fresh on mine,
and the warmth of her fragrant hair still persisting in my breath, I felt like crying.
and i did, my eyes remained dry though.
But what was I crying for?? i spent the night introspecting ..
Was i crying because i was soon going to be alone. Was it because I was struggling with
the idea of having to get on with my life, with an integral part missing?Was it because I had invested my emotions into some one to such an extent that now it was impossible living a normal
life without her influence or the lack of it?
Or was it because I was leaving her alone, at a time when she needs me?Was it because she stood there still holding me, as i walked away? Or was it because i also knew that she would soon let me go ... ?
Was I crying for her, who was left behind.. or for her who, I knew would soon move on in life..
Was i crying for myself, who was going away, or for my self , who was left behind..
The answer to all these questions is yes..
And i was crying for the love of love.

Living in parts.

This was in the waiting for a really long long time, in fact it was due ever since things started.
Tomorrow when you wake up, you wont be able to look forward to the day with me, you
would have a hundred thousand things to say and I would have the desire to hear,but your
words would never reach me . An interesting dream from the last night would linger on way
too long inside your head , to keep its charm.You would have questions to ask, concerns to share
and opinions to seek, but I wont be there.The day would soon stand in all its glory, as always,well almost.. .
With the pace of the day kicking in, you would soon be eaten up by the rush of the world.

Every time you would stop to take a breather, you would realise I am not around. Every time you wet
your lips when you are drinking water , you would burn for me. The buzz of the phone or the new mail
alert would break your effort fully held trance and my thoughts would creep in .While you would smile,
just for a moment, your face would become even more somber soon.

There would still be chocolates and that's just about it.A familiar song playing on the radio,
while you are in the cab, would force you to think of me,as if its was just yesterday .While the
night would continue to be as alluring as ever, there would be no one, in front of whom you can
spread your day and crib and rejoice. There will be no one bugging you with late night calls,
and no one to bug.

The gym class, the morning jog and the evening walk would just be the same, and so would be
the ever invading incompleteness.The excitement of getting a new hair cut, a new dress, or a new
lip color would be the same, and so would be the the feeling of being invisible to the world.The
triumph of success success at work, the joy of festivals and the happiness of those special
days would all be the same, and so would be the desire to share it all with some one.
The way you talk to people wont change, nor would the way people perceive you change.
but some where deep with in you things wont be the same.

Your smile would still have the allure, your words would still enchant, your eyes would still have there sparkle,
and your face would still have the fresh innocence, your actions still would be purposeful, and your thoughts clear. your ambitions would still be high and power full, and your heart still mellow n pure.You wouldcontinue to succeed in all that you do and would continue to impress one and all.
You would have every thing but for me ...

You !!

You are my biggest weakness, now I want you to be my biggest strength.
You are my strongest desire, now I want you to be my greatest satisfaction.
You are the biggest thrill of my life, now I want you to be my peace of mind.
You are essential for my survival, now I want you to be my reason for life.
You are my treasured possession, now I want you to own me completely.
You are an excitement, now I want you to be the ever lasting calm in my life.
You are a surprise every day, now I want you to be the constant in my life.
You are a soothing influence, now I want you to head the realms of my life.
You are a mellowing force, now I want you to be the driving force of my life.
You are everything that I not, now I want you to be a permanent part of me.
You are a passion, now I you to be my everlasting obsession .
You are the best for me, now I want to be good enough to deserve you.
You are .. all.
and you are.. mine,
well .. aren't you ?

Absolute bloody perfect !!

There was a time when I wasn't good enough for you..
Now I am "perfect" and deserve some one better.
In all I cant have you either way :(

3 halfs

"The team is essentially divided into 3 halves" , he said, while addressing the gathering.
The guys is a Sr manager ,earning close to 16 Lakhs p.a.

Yes

Just because I don't,doesn't mean I can't.

Pass time

What's her all time favorite pass time...
hurting me

and whats mine.....
letting her do that!!

Just a thought !!!

It begins with a glimpse, or a passing thought.
and ends in an obsession.
Paulo Cohelo

It starts with the touch of a feather,dreams and rosy eyes.
and ends with a shattering blow, tears and bloddy eyes.
yours truely

Touch of life..

The moment, depending one ones state of mind, could have been labeled gloomy or surreal.
Was I too tired to even speak or was I too relaxed in her company to want to break the sweet embrace of silence by speaking. With her around, I was breathing, and choking too thinking how long I have been away. Less then 18 hours, my mind told me.
We have been together for years now, and shared closeness to the level that transcends a lot of barriers, yet I haven’t felt the warmth of her embrace, stronger and more comforting then I did at that very moment, 3 ft away from her. I wasn’t even looking towards her, I did not need to. But I knew she was there trying to bring me back and that was all I needed to know. I shifted a little at my place, and looked at her hands.
Looking at them I felt that I could take on the world and come out victorious, just to hold those hands again.
I started to relive the sensation of her touch, whether it was her warm embrace, they way she cuddled up to me, or just the way she ruffled my hair. Her hand was now resting on my arm with her fingers touching the inside of my wrist.
"When are they going to let you go back home with us?", she asked. But I was so captured in the stillness and dreaminess of the moment that even though I heard her clearly and I wanted to reply, my voice failed me.
I leaned against my back, and threw back my head. She held my hand in both her's, and didn’t say any thing. Her eyes were still glued to her book. My eyes open, but looking through everything, even her.
I felt so sorted out and neat at that time. I tightened my grip on her hand, removing her fingers from my wrist since it had started to burn under the bandages.
I was cross that soon the drug would kick in and put me to sleep, Would she still be around when i wake up.
if only didnt have such doubts , i would not have been here in the first place.

Lonely at 24

Where are all my friends..
the big gang, that i used to hang around with during my college days.the bunch of guys who would come to college early morning and would be the last to leave, sometimes without even attending a single class. The group that was known to do there own things, there own way.There was one of each kinds, the smart alec, the brash goon , the druggii, jester, dude, stylo, every one.And back then it seemed like nothing out of the ordinary, it was a way of life.
Where are they...??
I can go on crying that i dont miss them , but that will not change a thing.
Not too long ago,We all started from the same point, and now while all others have managed to share a common origin, i have drifted too far.
There is no rhyme or reason for my loosing the shared ground.
Its like if you come back home after having spent too long a time too far away , nothing seems quite the same.
There was a time that being together made each moment so interesting that we used to discuss our each day in detail , twice over at times. Now i see those moments in peoples albums, or read about them on mails that were'nt specifically addressed to me, but happened to reach me since i continue to be a part of the mailing list.And thats pretty much i have become , a name in the mailing list, some guy in the old college time photos.
Have i really drifted too far.I guess i have, or maybe not.
I see most of my friends every day,and with a lot of effort am able to exchange a few words with them. I am glad its nothing more then that, as the effort would be quite noticable.My "friends" now comprise of people i am working with at any given instance.
I am soon going to turn 24, and the only people i expect to ( and want to ) wish me on my birthday the ones i have interacted with in the reacent past.Some times, and only a very few instances, when some thing good has happpned, and you want to share the euphoria some one by calling him or her, all that i am able to do is scroll through my long contact List a few times, and then drop my phone.I dont stink or curse or dress shabby.I know i have a lotta well wishers around me and a lot of people who apprecitate the things i do and the things i am. But still there is this void.And i am the last person who can try and fill it.

The vulnerable and The hurt .. in action

I wrote this phrase a while back

The vulnerable and The hurt
they are not always the same person in a relationship,
and that's that..

and today time has testified to this statement.
Unfortunately, and unexpectedly Its I , who has been at the receving end.

Sugar and salt

How life changes in a moment.. i am amazed. I can never understand the the dynamics of life, let alone keep up with it.One second you are having the best of times , taking it easy and life seems to look up all the way , the other moment you are trying hard to stop yourself from plunging into a endless gloom.And the mind takes in the sadness
rather quickly, as compared to the good news. Hardly any time has passed since i got the news and my ming has already travled far and wide. I have thought of the extend and impact of the damage, the repurcussions of the event and the reactions of the others involved.

I have abused my self for reacting the way i have, and letting the news effect me to such an extend.
I have looked myself down for showing such weakness.
I have ridiculed my self for not being in a position to prevent or undo what has happened.
I have consoled my self thinking that it was always an understanding that the end would be
some thing like this only .I have contemplated radical steps to escape the misery,and
given up on those thoughts.And subsequently laughed on my self for being such a escapist.
I have visualised how different my life would be from this very moment, and how much
better lives of a lot of other people would be.
I have tried making plans to combat the ill effect of the news in my life.I have also
thought of other things in my life , i might as well fix them while i am fixing the latest mishaps.
I have egged myself on , not to take this too hard and be strong.
I have pointed out a lot of my shortcomings,which resulted in me being in a situation that i am .
All in all i have thoroughly lived , thought , felt and introspected my sorrow in barely a few seconds.
The penetration of thoughts is really fat, even faster is the penetration of sad/negative thoughts.

I feel happiness and sadness are like sugar and salt in more ways then what is commonly perceived.
just as tongue the receptor for taste is able to sense salt rite at the tip, mind the receptor for emotions is
quick to latch on to sadness.