Look back

Bad memories are like a hot girl passing by you on the street. You want to turn your head and look back but its best you don't or you run the risk of  not seeing what lies ahead and tripping in your path.

Friday nights !!!

Its Friday night again, time of the week when he prowls the night scene at his shining best. Mind numbing quantities of potent liquor that he is going to savor off the clinging crystal glasses would only add to his glib personality. A heady fragrance of Cuban cigar mixed with his Davidoff and their Rodriguez would be just as intoxicating as the drinks in their glasses. They'll shimmy around him and he will talk into their ears. These are usually times of playing, and winning, at talking, flirting, dancing, playing pool or occasionally chugging contests.  What is it going to be today, he wondered but didn't really care, because really.. what was new in any of these. After all,thats what he is all about.

HE felt under-dressed for cold as it was colder that he though it would be, but so what, the rest of the night was going to be as sizzling. Except for may be all that slush that smeared his trousers as we walked to his destination splattering on his trousers, all was good. There was no chance that the ladies would go past his raised eyebrows,  sharp hair, the talks and a bit of moves on the floor.

Even after spending about 45 minutes in the line to get in to the venue things were great as he looked forward to "playing" inside the "field". His head did hurt a bit as the music seemed awfully lound tonight to him, but maybe he busted his brains too much at work all week,  so it will take a while getting into the grove. More drinks is the call of the order.

He finally got his drink after being ignored  for about 15 minutes by the bartender who was busy serving pretty ladies one after the other, but only after being splashed by the "wooohoooo" girls in their hasty retreat from the bar after getting drinks.  Smelling a little like someone's ceaser and a little like some ones appeltini, he rolled up his sleeves as he enjoyed his drink. Walking to the other end was all good except for being stepped on by some pencil sharp heels and being poked in the stomach by some elbows as he made his way through the crowd.

He scanned the crowd pulsating to the high energy of the bar, and made some serious eye contact, Once he had a target locked in he moved closer, and nodded his head and said "hi"

Saddle

Neither being right every time
nor admitting when you are wrong.

Neither keeping a positive mind
nor ruing over past.

Neither knowing when to stop
nor just going on and on.

Neither being belligerent
nor always being calm.

Neither listening with honesty
nor staying quite and strong.

Neither being your true self
nor being clay in a mold.

Neither being accepting
nor being persistent for change.

Getting back on the saddle each time
is what matters the most.

People decorate there houses with beautiful things, and fill there surroundings with things that please them and make then happy. He did no such thing. In-fact he did something quite different. He saved painstakingly, every thing that reminded him of the pain. the ghastly memories and the world tumbling setbacks in his life.
He kept every little detail fresh in his mind through meticulous efforts. Disciplined.

Forgive

Forgive and be forgotten... Keep the grudge

Slow down

Is there a thing as timely death? do good things ever come to an end at a great time. 

Have you ever experiences how you end up wanting a thing more and more, the tougher it gets to attain 

Have you ever experienced how you keep getting more and more preapred to loose something, as you try to keep it with you

Let go

To let go the suffering,
you have to let go the pain.

To let go the pain,
you have to let go the hurt.

To let go the hurt,
you have to let go the hatred.

To let go the hatred,
you have to let go the anger.

To let go the anger,
you have to let go the memories.

To let go the memories,
you have to let go the person.

To let go the person,
you have to let go the love.

let go and suffer
or suffer and let go.

Crash and Burn

I force my self through the extreme emotions, wondering every time which way will the tide turn? Will the dam of my self imposed control break this time, will my heart shrink and close, would i crash and burn.

Choose for yourself

I can choose to do it or I can choose to not do it. 
Either ways I would still have to do the choosing.

Oil and Water

Passion and Discipline are like oil and water, they do not mix easily.
But when they do the results are amazing.

Everything

Everything shining can not be her eyes

and everything enchanting can not be her gaze.

Everything captivating can not be her face 

and everything sparkling can not be her smile.

Everything absorbing can not be her hair

and everything entangling can not be her curls.

Everything amber can not be her lips

and everything sweet can not be her kiss.

Everything velvet can not be her skin

and everything warm can not be her touch.

Everything comforting can not be her embrace

and everything fragrant can not be her perfume.

Everything enticing can not be her charm

and everything exciting can not be her lures.

Everything true can not be her word
and everything honest can not be her emotions.

Everything compelling can not be her thoughts
and everything fulfilling can not be her presence

Everything meaningful can not be her trust
and everything achievable can not be her intimacy

Everything can not be her
and everything can never be her.

Dark Side

There is the pain of being let down
and the pain of expecting so much.

There is the fear of disinterest
and there is the fear dependence.

There is the agony of having to forgive
and there is the agony of forbearance

Cilice

Every one tells me that its already gone,

but I am the one still holding on.

A moment, a life, a memory, a dream,

how long will it bleed is yet to be seen.

Knowing is agony,

not knowing is bliss.

What was always on my mind 

is now also under my skin.

Not gentle like a blow,
not scathing like a kiss,
close to my body, digging  into my flesh,
I cringe, but savor the pain and sweat.

It is what it is

without any remorse.

Those who chooses to embrace it 

deserves no more.

Guileless in compassion,

but artless in expression,

tethering with love,

but liberating with blood.

Wrapping itself around me,

and never looking to leave,

constant companion

my cilice.

Poem

Write me a poem, will you?
I will hang it up my wall,
right besides the paintings that I made
for you, which you did not want.

Write me a poem, will you?
I will keep it in my diary,
between the crumbled pages of stories
of times that are now history.

Write me a poem, will you?
I will keep it by my bed,
besides the empty photo frames
that I took with me when I left.

Write me a poem, will you?
I will keep it under my pillow,
right beneath the creases
where you used to rest your head.

Write me a poem, will you?
I will keep it in my mind
which is now adept
at keeping occupied

Write me a poem, will you?
I will keep it in my heart
and throw out the rest of you
part by part.

Poem

Write me a poem, will you?
for all the nights of angst you have had.
I will hang it up by my bed,
and have a good nights sleep under it.

Write me a poem, will you?
for every word I went back on.
I will keep it in my diary,
besides the list of promises you kept.

Write me a poem, will you?
for all the times I have erred.
I will keep it by my bed,
like a symbol of your resolve.

Write me a poem, will you?
for all your hopes I dismayed.
I will keep it under my pillow
and dream my glorious dreams.

Write me a poem will you?
for every time I have looked elsewhere.
I will keep it in my mind
as a reminder to keep my faith.

Write me a poem, will you?
for all the poems you've written me thus far.
I will keep it in my heart
in the void of your absence.

Tenacity

Tenacity is about how soon do you follow up
an "Oh Shit!!" with a "No Problem"

Through now

Hide not a thing
that you earned or won.
They don't want what you have,
they want what you want.

Settle not so much
that you do as I say.

Just get through right now 

but its best you don't stay.

Think not a thought

that culls the heart.

For only having will resolve

all that it wants.

Keep not a person guessing,
say what you have got.
And while you are at it
start with the bad.

Hold no blows back,
knock a few down.
Didn't they push you
when you had turned around.

Starve not in the absence
of what is now gone.
Gratify with present
all that you can.

Fight not a battle,
to resist the assault.
flee, let a few in,
and build new walls.

Afraid

Why be afraid of the snow
that scalds the skin
and blinds the eye.

Be afraid of the snow
that freezes the passion
and chars the heart.

Why be afraid of the fall
that bruises the knees
or soils the socks.

Be afraid of the fall
from the heights of euphoria
or from the charms of the new.

Why be afraid of the things

you have in some way 

hidden from the world.

Be afraid of the things

that you don't know

about yourself till now.

Why be afraid of the distance

that can be walked

with others or alone.

Be afraid of the distance

that you have walked

already thus far.

Why be afraid of the dark

that you can still 

stumble your way through.

Be afraid of the dark

that resides somewhere

deep inside the heart.

Why be afraid of the end 

that came for you 

a bit too soon.

Be afraid  of the end 

from where you are

now going to start.

Reconcile

What my mind knows doesn't match
with all that my heart remembers.
I am trying to reconcile
the Januaries and Novembers.

I am looking at you
but trying to remember your face.
For years of fading and weathering
has cleaned up the slate.

Every days I take a look
and every day things are new.
Are my eyes changing,
or is it you.

A fragrance reminds me of a touch
and a touch reminds me of a flavor.
Churning inside my head are
recollections, reverberations.

Recollections only affirm,
that it isn't. It was.
The fervour is intense
but its a new game after the pause.

Whats logical doesn't converge,
towards what is practical.
Its not about how to act,
but if there is a need to act at all.

But not now.. .

I was able to see the beauty
in the sadness of your eyes
But now I have lost the appreciation.

I was able to feign interest
in the mundane of things in life
but now I have stopped doing it.

I was able to feel the pride,
in wearing badges the world gave me
but now I have stopped wearing them.

I was able to hold up
the standards I imposed on my self.
But now I couldn't care less.

I was able to reciprocate
the warmth of your heart
but now I can only shrug it off.

I was able to touch
the desire and let go
but now I can hardly get enough.

I was able to agree
yet still hold my ground
but now I squirm at discord.

I was able to be correct

yet care

but now I care not to.

I was able to say
it back with no guilt
but now I have heard enough.

I was able to, but now..

As he stood in front of the mirror in his room, with his favorite song playing in the background, he shook his head and moved a little. A faint smile broke on his lips and his eyes had the glitter of a much amused man. He danced. Most standards would only term it as just moving about awkwardly.But well,that's the best he could do and he loved it. He could just see her  flash in front of his eyes. How she always speaks both with her words and hands in perfect synchronization. How whenever she would say cut, her fingers would  moved like a scissor. How whenever she would talk about having here favorite dish, her hands would literally be moving an imaginary fork to her lips. And when she would talk about how she was dancing on her bed last night, she would do so with  her arms held  up to her shoulders, bend at the elbows and her head bobbing  from side to side. This  girl had more dance in her conversations and walking and just sitting around, then he had in his entire body. But yet as he thought of her, as he stood in his room,with his mind, with his spirit and his body, he danced.

Fight

Every one has his or her own way of fighting. And some of them have their reasons as well. I fight. I have my reasons too. Whether its an urge within me, something or someone I don't like,something or someone I like too much or just about any thing else, I fight, every day. I don't care if I break my opponent or not. All I care for is to have the opponent react to me. As soon as I am able to trigger its  defense mechanism against my self, I feel vindicated. To be recognized as a possible threat is all I chase.

past

The problem with the pasts is that every one has got one. Past catches up and bites you some times, but mostly it just plays on your mind to wreak havoc. What exactly is the past, its all that we choose to and manage to remember about ourselves.

Ramblings!!!

Sense of humor is as over rated as sex,
Drinking gives you a deeper perspective.
Be an idealist, its fashionable.
Pretty is one thing, nice is another.

Notches on the bedpost, ego boosters.
Keep in touch with your inner self, its inexpensive.
Most days you will accomplish half of what you planned for, other days not so much.
Denny your self a lick of the ice-cream just as yet.

Stand up and talk, or you'd fall asleep sitting down

I am not in love with memories
or dreams with which I flew.
I am not in love with the acomplishments,

for i threw them all away
I am not in love with the peopl,
pretty and interest who i left behind.

nor am I in love with the the friends,
who are almost off my mind

ever

Just waking up every morning, disappoints me.
These days.
Most days.

Just starting a new thing,challenges me.
Frequently.
Usually.

Just meeting a new person, agrevates pain.
Some of them.
Them.

Hate

I am trying not to hate,
every day and every night.
Its happened but I wait,
every day and every night.

Only a look in the mirror breaks,
my belief of being him and not me.
My every day and my every night
are his every day and every night.

Is it the end or just a break,

either ways it absolves my plight.

To wake up to the world around me

smelling the roses, seems so right.

Hate cures, 

at least whats inside.

To drain a wound,

is what fixes it right.

 

Happier now, I  let it go,

and start to hate,

and let it grow

one wound at a time.

Now when I look in the mirror,

I see a promise of great things, 

small things and big things 

that are all good things.

Every thing is me now,

seems right and bright.

My every day and my every night

are now just my every day and every night.

Needs

"Soon enough I am going to want more" he thought. Not need, but want. He was sure he did not any more need things and people, he until not so long ago was was like his life depended  on them. And he was right. He has worked hard for getting what he really needed, and then just wanted a little more.  And there was no looking back there onwards. It is strange how with time, passion becomes pursuit of a rank, and personality is reduced to just saying the right things all the time. Interests are reduced to checklists and all interactions are turned into routines to leave people thinking about you. All conversations are just a  display of the wits. Before you know it the need for approval is replaced by the disdain of validating others and love just becomes notches besides the bed post.

         Well he was quite right  he was going to want more soon, and just that. For already, he was trying to let go of  things, he had wanted once upon a time and was only sticking on with them because he had worked hard to get them in the first place. Things, people, emotions. Amassing had taken priority over appreciating and doing had overshadowed experiencing. And it wasn't all material. Not every thing was about owning, or winning or earning more. It was the addiction to chasing targets consistently that has skewed up the ability to indulge in the present. And that meant he could not look after what ever his life was already filled with.The head would occasionally drop and the shoulders would stoop, not for loosing the loved parts of his life, but at the despair of finding new ideas to chase. And when ever that happened, he would think of the futility of all those notches he had made, but then .. move on.

Don't toss me the cute faced looks, because I am not a sucker for those any more. Don't even give me a marathon run around challenge, because I am starting to love myself being a slob. If you are thinking of giving me the obnoxious in my face humor,don't bother, because if you get my sarcastic laughs you will be hurt and if you dont get them, you will stay deluded. How about a night of crazy drinking and showing my love to others in your tribe by chanting cuss words to strangers? No thanks, for I get national geographic at home, and  I don't even watch that. And seriously no "whohooo..." ing out the sun roof and then mooning people after like 2 beers. Why?? because i, unlike everyone else, think i have a better looking face than ass.