Morning !!!

I woke up to this pleasant warmth on my body, on a morning made cold by pre-dawn showers.
The contrast between the temperature of my body and the surroundings made me distinctly aware
of my self. .I had a smile on my face as i left the bed.Very soon the day would be bursting
with activity and i would be among people,but this tranquility today was different, something
special. something told me that this would stay with me through the day if not forever.
"its just one of those days" I thought.I wasn't sure if i was more refreshed then ever on a morning,
or was i more tired then ever.The contentment was obvious, so much so that even before i realized,
i was on my was to work.I looked out the window n saw the brightness on sun, fighting a futile
battle with the chill in the air.i still had that warmth around me.i was suddenly more aware of the
music around me,not only aware , i was with it and singing.The pain was there too. but it was intoxicating, the kinds where u play with it to derive pleasure out of it.
my hair are still wet after the bath . and i can still feel the firmness of the bed on my back.
have i really woken up. or is this one of those really life like dreams.
the smile is still there, and so is the pain, which occasionally reflects as a frown on my forehead .
and its the pain that i wish , would stay on longer.
there is a gash on my shoulder, just near my collarbone, i am not very sure if its nails or
teeth, but i am sure of the pleasure. despite the frown and the pain.
My hand moves over to rest on my shoulder, and i am smiling again.

The first defence

I have never believed in defending my self since I see it as an acknowledgement of your adversary's ability to impact you in any way.And i am able to do this because it actually doesn't impact me, not to the magnitude that it would to others.Weather its people playing cheap tricks, or testing conditions or even the wave of voices against me,i have trudged my path, not unaffected but definitely unconcerned.
My reasoning behind it my sound too blown up and superficial. but i believe or at least till now believed in fixing the thorns in your path by walking on them till the sole of my feet grind down.
This in no ways ties to self inflicted pain or a feeling of superiority over other.But it definately breeds supiriority. Its the desolate mindset that i have borne for ever. i don't wish to answer people back or ever retaliate in any ways to any acerbic attacks on me.
and it is far from cowardice, its just like saying "huh!! was that your best shot", even when it has left me bloody.i am not trying to say any thing here or to make a point... its just one of those things about which one cant talk to an unskewed mind.
I hate people who assume its there responsiblity to defend me, more then my agressors. and the reason they give is that they cant bear things beind said to them about me.it just shows there week side when they cant take up a small challenge which doesnt even envolve any potential damage to them.

Deliver or Perish

Right now, more then ever , i am scared. uncertain of whats in store for tomorrow, unsure of what i want.And this feeling doesn't stem from lack of good things or an excess of bad things.Life is in a good balance in itself.I, the one who had a certain amount of disdain to every thing he ever did, am feeling insufficient for the task at hand.I never could have imagined that i would come to this, to be apprehensive of smallest of things, weary of people,and cautious of what i do or say.Not that i was ever too boorish or reckless, but the effortless flow with which i lived my life seems to have gone missing.I don't know the reason but i guess the mindset that i had doing the toughest of the things, picking the most daunting of the tasks from the choices, is back firing on me.I used to seek satisfaction by pushing my self to the limit, reasoning it as something that would help me grow.I hated the envelop of comfort around me, because that for me is a sign of stagnation.However, now i need easy things in my life, may be not for more then a few days but i need it never the less.
Its no more Deliver or perish that i wanna operate by.
i wanna stand and smell the roses, i wanna sit on a rock n ponder.
and just simply said wanna take things easy and be generous to myself.

Why control !!!

The slow effects of toxics fumes have left me crippled. I still am physically

able and strong, but it’s my mind that has started to cripple. I am handicapped

by my inability to be happy, by my inability to sing along my favorite song

on radio, by my inability to express my pleasure on meeting a dear one, by not

being able to look forward to a great meal, by not being able to punch my fist in

the air to celebrate my success, by not being able to have a exhaustively good

time with friends. I am crippled, as I am unable to avoid being judgmental

Towards people, unable to express my love openly, unable to care without

Inhibitions. Unable to accept being any where but at the top and unable to see godness in myself

I am a victim of a disease that I believe has cemented its roots in today world

and is ready to spread out fast….

I am suffering from a condition called controlled emotions.