She was, therefore i am

i don't know who she was, and i never would know.it was a passing moment of a closeness and a contact, and i could feel the difference. In that fraction of a second i felt that after a long time breathing was no more an effort, and i felt the weariness trickling out of my body.Her glance was pleasing and unnerving at the same time.
its as if i was so busy in that moment that now i don't ever remember how she looked, And frankly i am happy that i don't.Its because i don't remember her face, that makes it so surreal and so enchanting. Its like remembering the warmth of the sun to feel comfortable when you are facing the chill of the night.And for all i know we could have bumped into each other several thousand times in our lives,but it was the moment that made the difference.And i don't even wish to see her again , nor do i worry weather she is thinking about me or not.
I know its one of those things that with time buries itself in some corner of your memories before being dissolved and lost in your mind for ever. just like the lightening bolt, it might be several thousand times brighter then the sun , but its one flash and gone forever, you cant hold on to it,
but then neither can you hold on to life.. can you?

Mighty final fight

He has braved a life threatening illness, and emerged successful. He did not show any signs of suffering ever while battling his illness by himself. On occasions he would loose hope to the pain but would not show it for his parent's sake.

He over came a stammering problem to become one of the most spontaneous and fluent speaker in school. He still has listeners all ears when he speaks.

He has seen times where he would have everyone in a large family showering him with love and affection , and times where he would not see any one for days at a stretch.

He has never been a part of the coolest groups, the toughest gangs, or the brainiest circles. but he seemed to be every where.He is a kind of person who thrives on attention but loves being a part of the audience just as much.

Its easy to miss him, yet you just cant.But then again he is as common and ordinary a guy as it can get.

I mean he doesn't claim to be a rock music fan ,he casually states that he doesn't understand English movies. has never experimented with beards or goatees. i have never ever seen a piece of jewelry on him ,. you know those chunky bracelets or hip hop lockets. he hasn't ever raced a bike on a highway in the dead hours of the night.

He is so easy to miss if you don't know him .But he is the happiest, calmest and most proficient person i have known.
Or until just know. I loathed him when he showed suffering, showed his week vulnerable side to me.He was tired and felt like giving up I hated him for that. Of late he had become a source of inspiration for me. And to see him crumble , broke me too . I hated him.I mean I am like most of us, who cant look inwards to find inspiration or the drive to succeed, So i looked at him instead.I can say , he was the reason i took many a challenges in my life.I felt doomed to a similar fate, to give up when i was withing striking distance.
I was with him when he stood a high rise, contemplating a quick end to things. But he came back ,
Cant say if he came back stronger, but he came back none the less.And i realised, even the toughest of us are allowed a moment of weakness, a loud weep on a friends shoulder, or a shriek in pain.
and as he cried on my shoulder,he did so not to relive himself, but to relive me

Morning !!!

I woke up to this pleasant warmth on my body, on a morning made cold by pre-dawn showers.
The contrast between the temperature of my body and the surroundings made me distinctly aware
of my self. .I had a smile on my face as i left the bed.Very soon the day would be bursting
with activity and i would be among people,but this tranquility today was different, something
special. something told me that this would stay with me through the day if not forever.
"its just one of those days" I thought.I wasn't sure if i was more refreshed then ever on a morning,
or was i more tired then ever.The contentment was obvious, so much so that even before i realized,
i was on my was to work.I looked out the window n saw the brightness on sun, fighting a futile
battle with the chill in the air.i still had that warmth around me.i was suddenly more aware of the
music around me,not only aware , i was with it and singing.The pain was there too. but it was intoxicating, the kinds where u play with it to derive pleasure out of it.
my hair are still wet after the bath . and i can still feel the firmness of the bed on my back.
have i really woken up. or is this one of those really life like dreams.
the smile is still there, and so is the pain, which occasionally reflects as a frown on my forehead .
and its the pain that i wish , would stay on longer.
there is a gash on my shoulder, just near my collarbone, i am not very sure if its nails or
teeth, but i am sure of the pleasure. despite the frown and the pain.
My hand moves over to rest on my shoulder, and i am smiling again.

The first defence

I have never believed in defending my self since I see it as an acknowledgement of your adversary's ability to impact you in any way.And i am able to do this because it actually doesn't impact me, not to the magnitude that it would to others.Weather its people playing cheap tricks, or testing conditions or even the wave of voices against me,i have trudged my path, not unaffected but definitely unconcerned.
My reasoning behind it my sound too blown up and superficial. but i believe or at least till now believed in fixing the thorns in your path by walking on them till the sole of my feet grind down.
This in no ways ties to self inflicted pain or a feeling of superiority over other.But it definately breeds supiriority. Its the desolate mindset that i have borne for ever. i don't wish to answer people back or ever retaliate in any ways to any acerbic attacks on me.
and it is far from cowardice, its just like saying "huh!! was that your best shot", even when it has left me bloody.i am not trying to say any thing here or to make a point... its just one of those things about which one cant talk to an unskewed mind.
I hate people who assume its there responsiblity to defend me, more then my agressors. and the reason they give is that they cant bear things beind said to them about me.it just shows there week side when they cant take up a small challenge which doesnt even envolve any potential damage to them.

Deliver or Perish

Right now, more then ever , i am scared. uncertain of whats in store for tomorrow, unsure of what i want.And this feeling doesn't stem from lack of good things or an excess of bad things.Life is in a good balance in itself.I, the one who had a certain amount of disdain to every thing he ever did, am feeling insufficient for the task at hand.I never could have imagined that i would come to this, to be apprehensive of smallest of things, weary of people,and cautious of what i do or say.Not that i was ever too boorish or reckless, but the effortless flow with which i lived my life seems to have gone missing.I don't know the reason but i guess the mindset that i had doing the toughest of the things, picking the most daunting of the tasks from the choices, is back firing on me.I used to seek satisfaction by pushing my self to the limit, reasoning it as something that would help me grow.I hated the envelop of comfort around me, because that for me is a sign of stagnation.However, now i need easy things in my life, may be not for more then a few days but i need it never the less.
Its no more Deliver or perish that i wanna operate by.
i wanna stand and smell the roses, i wanna sit on a rock n ponder.
and just simply said wanna take things easy and be generous to myself.

Why control !!!

The slow effects of toxics fumes have left me crippled. I still am physically

able and strong, but it’s my mind that has started to cripple. I am handicapped

by my inability to be happy, by my inability to sing along my favorite song

on radio, by my inability to express my pleasure on meeting a dear one, by not

being able to look forward to a great meal, by not being able to punch my fist in

the air to celebrate my success, by not being able to have a exhaustively good

time with friends. I am crippled, as I am unable to avoid being judgmental

Towards people, unable to express my love openly, unable to care without

Inhibitions. Unable to accept being any where but at the top and unable to see godness in myself

I am a victim of a disease that I believe has cemented its roots in today world

and is ready to spread out fast….

I am suffering from a condition called controlled emotions.

The vulnerable and The hurt

they are not always the same person in a relationship ..
and that's that..




watch this space

friends !!! why not

A young baby never wishes to go to kinder garden…
But if he does not, he would never make those "langotia yaars"
Then, he does not wish to go to high school if that means separating from them..
but then if he does not, he would never make those " Buddy gangs "
Then he is sad when going to college.
but if he doesn't, he would have missed out on " happening groups"
Friends are a lot like birthdays..
just because u celebrated your 23rd ..
Doesn't mean your 22nd birthday doesn’t belong to you any more

Similarly just because you made new friends at a new place,
Away from those you made all through the years...
doesn’t mean the old ones are not yours any more.

So brooding over separated friends ..
is an injustice to the people around you who want a friend in you

Let each celebrate his own fears

I am scared.. and i don't mind letting it be known.
I am scared of the people who try to console
some one crying by being overtly sweet n nice to them.

I am scared of the people who think the world will end if
they don't help me, even when i god damn don't need it.

I am scared of times when people fall fast and fall hard,
of the look of understanding me when i know that they
haven't got no clue of how i feel.

I am scared of people who are too careful or too modest.
I am scared of the people who use words like dude n cool with
the abundance of the magnitude of India's population.

I am scared of people who name u among there best friends while
u are left wondering... "are we friends at all?"

I am scared of those gud luck and congratulatory wishes.
which i know are floating over a lot of muck of malice.
I am scared of company too eager or too deplorable.

I am ALL THIS AND MORE and that leaves me scared on just one thing and none other..

My self